I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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