i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
