i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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