Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
