Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
