If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
