i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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