i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
