SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
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