He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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