I'm sorry my penis didn't work
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
