I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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