It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
