you would pick up someone in the library
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
