Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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