what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
