I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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