she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
