why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
