one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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