Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
