Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
