My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
