You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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