Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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