I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
