This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
