and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
