FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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