There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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