I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You left your phone here
Wait...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
