You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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