i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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