Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
