I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
