we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
