Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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