why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Please don't give away my fajitas
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
