so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
