There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
