my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
