That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
