Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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