My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
