Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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