She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
