the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm at about main and main street
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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