she was so not down for the gang bang
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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