you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
