wanna go halves on a baby?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
