grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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