He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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