FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
