I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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