I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
